Fat Denial

A while ago, I had decided that it was okay for me to be fat. That I just didn't have enough strength & willpower to get myself thin & healthy. And besides, those who really love me, will love me for exactly who I am. I accepted that & just tried to do other things to make myself feel good. I tried to do my make up, which I find very difficult with 2 toddlers. I tried to make sure that I did my hair, another difficult task. I tried to be flirtatious, since, at the time, I was single & gosh darnit, anyone who was going to date me was going to love me... fat & all. Then I eventually got remarried. And I would say, "Megan, you should get in shape." So I would overambitiously join a gym & go way too often for me to start out. Then I would say "See? It's just too hard to do this. I am happy with myself & I am healthy. My husband loves me. So why bother?" But I was lying. I lied to myself, which is heartbreaking. I wasn't happy with myself. And even though, I currently don't have any health problems related to my weight, I know that it is a very real possiblity that I could end up with heart problems, joint problems, diabetes, ect. I tried to lie to myself, that that wasn't going to happen to me.

But I am seeing things clearly now. I am being honest with myself. I know my weight has been holding me back. Before gaining weight, I was such a vibriant person. I haven't been that person in a long time, but I hope to get that person back. I was a thin teenage girl. Then I was a fat adult woman. Now I am going to be a thin adult woman. Hopefully, a little more wiser & a lot more careful with my eating & exercise habits.

I was in Fat Acceptance. No... it was more than that. It was Fat Denial. But not anymore.